As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.
This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.
I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.
A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in adulthood.
In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.
Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.
Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.
Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.
This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.
A passionate writer and traveler sharing insights on personal growth and lifestyle from a UK perspective.
